Mental Health What Is Codependency? By Heather Jones Published on December 22, 2020 Print Table of Contents View All Definition Symptoms Diagnosis Causes Treatment Coping Sometimes called "relationship addiction", codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that influences a person's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. People with codependency are often in relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and dysfunctional. The term codependency originally referred to the partners of people with substance use disorder, but it has branched out to include a variety of relationship dynamics. Updated studies on the statistics of codependent relationships and codependency are lacking—but older studies suggest that codependency is common. Westend61/Getty Images What Is Codependency? Mental health professionals continue to argue that codependency should be considered an official mental illness, but as of the printing of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), codependency is not recognized as a unique mental disorder. This does not mean that codependency isn't real or is inconsequential—far from it. Codependency can be debilitating. A codependent person puts their own needs aside and becomes hyper-vigilant about meeting the needs of another person, to the point that their life revolves around this person, creating a one-sided relationship that is destructive and dysfunctional for both parties. Codependent Relationships vs. Dependent Relationships Codependency refers to an unhealthy attachment to one specific person, but that person does not have to be a romantic partner. Codependency can also occur in friendships, between family members, between a boss and subordinate or coworkers—any relationship in which one partner is dysfunctionally dependent on the other can be considered a codependent relationship. A codependent relationship is different than a dependent relationship. A relationship between two dependent people is usually considered healthy. All relationships require some amount of dependence on the other person. In a dependent relationship, the roles are more equal and both the support for and the dependence on the other partner is give-and-take, instead of skewed like in a relationship between a codependent person and an enabler. Dependent Relationships Codependent relationships Both partners consider their relationship a priority, but also pursue other interests and hobbies. The codependent partner has no interests or values outside the relationship. Both partners express their needs and want in relation to each other. The codependent partner considers their own needs unimportant.It may be difficult for the enabler to identify the codependent’s needs or wants regarding the relationship. Both partners are bound together by mutual respect and love, and both find value in the relationship. The codependent partner only feels worthy when making sacrifices (sometimes extreme ones) for the enabler.The codependent partner fears abandonment and cannot conceive of reality without the enabler in it. Adapted from Family First Intervention. Symptoms The severity of codependence symptoms works on a spectrum instead of an all-or-nothing scale. The characteristics and behaviors of people who are codependent fall into a series of patterns. Denial Patterns Difficulty identifying what they are feelingMinimizing, altering, or denying how they really feelPerceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others Low Self-Esteem Patterns Difficulty making decisionsHarsh judgement of themselves, thinking what they think, say, or do is never good enoughEmbarrassment at receiving recognition, praise, or giftsInability to identify or ask for what they want and needHigher value placed on others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior than on their ownDo not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile Compliance Patterns Compromise of values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s angerHigh sensitivity to other’s feelings and take on the same feelingsExtreme loyalty, remaining in harmful situations too longHigher value placed on other’s opinions and feelingsFear of expressing differing viewpoints or feelingsSetting aside their own interests to do what others wantAcceptance of sex as a substitute for love Control Patterns Belief that people are incapable of taking care of themselvesAttempts to persuade others what to think, do, or feelResentfulness when others decline their help or reject their adviceFreely offering unsolicited advice and directionGiving gifts and favors to those they want to influenceUse of sex to gain approval and acceptanceMust feel needed in order to have a relationship with others Avoidance Patterns Behaviors and actions that solicit rejection, shame, or anger from others toward themHarsh judgement of what others think, say, or doAvoidance of emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy to avoid feeling vulnerableAllowance of addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from intimacy in relationshipsIndirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontationThe belief that displays of emotion are a sign of weakness Diagnosis The symptoms of codependency overlap with several other conditions, most notably dependent personality disorder. Though they sound similar, there are key differences between codependency and dependent personality disorder, primarily that codependency involves a dependence on a specific person, but dependent personality disorder describes dependent traits towards others in general. Unlike codependency, dependent personality disorder is included in the DSM-5 and is considered an official mental illness. Similar Names, Different Conditions Codependency and dependent personality disorder sound similar, but they are distinct from each other in two key ways:Dependent personality disorder is an official mental illness and is included in the DSM-5, while codependency is not.Dependent personality disorder involves dependent traits towards people in general, while a person who is codependent is focused on one specific person. Diagnosing codependency relies largely on self-reflection. Several questionnaires are available online that you can take on your own with the idea that a high number of yes answers raises red flags for codependence. These questionnaires are generally variations of questions based on the symptoms listed above. While these questionnaires may be a starting point, they are not a substitute for an evaluation by a health care professional. If you suspect you may be codependent, book an appointment with your health care provider or with a mental health specialist such as a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Because many of the symptoms of codependency are the same or similar to other conditions, your care provider can help you determine an accurate diagnosis. Causes Codependence is believed to develop within dysfunctional family environments, particularly during childhood. Underlying problems in a dysfunctional family environment include: A family member who has substance use disorder, including drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gamblingThe presence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuseA family member living with a chronic mental or physical illness In a dysfunctional family environment, fear, anger, and shame go unacknowledged, leading family members to repress their emotions and ignore their own needs. While it is no longer a requirement for a designation of codependency, substance use disorder and codependence are often linked within a relationship, making recovery from each condition more difficult. A person who is codependent may have difficulty with the recovery process for codependency because of a need to help the person with substance use disorder. Conversely, a person who is codependent lacks the ability to set the boundaries and give the appropriate support needed by someone with substance use disorder. It becomes a vicious circle, requiring help for both parties in order for either to succeed. Treatment Unless there are co-occurring conditions also being treated, medications is not generally a part of treatment for codependency. Some places to start when seeking treatment for codependency include: Speaking with a licensed mental health practitionerEnrolling in counseling with a therapistReading self-help books about codependencyTalking with trusted friends and family members about codependent relationships Therapy Therapy for codependency focuses the current relationship, past relationships, and childhood trauma that may have contributed to the codependent tendencies. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of talk treatment that involves recognizing and changing unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. CBT can be helpful for people struggling with codependency. Co-Dependents Anonymous Similar to the more well-known Alcoholics Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a recovery group in which people who are codependent support each other, work through their treatment together, and gain access to programs. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, CoDA involves 12 steps. The program also includes 12 traditions, 12 promises, and 12 service concepts. Coping There are activities and exercises you can do at home to work through codependency recovery. Take an honest inventory of the relationship: After learning about codependency, examine yourself, your partner, and your relationship for red flags.Understand the impact of a codependent relationship on your life: Compare a healthy, dependent relationship to a codependent one. Note the positive effects of a healthy relationship versus the harmful effects of a codependent one. This can help you realize what you value and want to change.Take responsibility: A person who is codependent and their enabling partners can both have difficulty taking responsibility for their own feelings and shortcomings. Each person taking charge of themselves, and reminding each other that they are in control of their own emotions and behaviors, can help break the cycle.Read books: Books on codependency can be a great way to gain an understanding of the condition and help you to be introspective. Work on the Relationship—or Get Out Working through treatment for codependency means changing the unhealthy relationship, or even leaving the relationship. This extends to all codependent relationships, not just romantic partnerships. Take a break: If possible, take a break from the relationship to focus on yourself for a while. Resist the urge to begin a new romantic relationship right away if you have just ended one.Set boundaries: When you pull away from the relationship or break it off, resistance from your partner is likely. It may turn toxic. They may be angry, manipulative, and persistent. They may bombard you with calls and texts. Drawing clear boundaries and consistently upholding them sends a powerful message. They will need to change or find a relationship with someone else.Practice self-awareness: Just leaving the relationship will not "cure" the codependency. You will still have work to do on yourself, either on your own or with the help of a professional. You will also need to be vigilant when beginning new relationships. Watch for behaviors from your partner that might trigger your past codependent behaviors. Be introspective, look for red flags that you are repeating past problematic behaviors, or that your relationship is unbalanced, unhealthy, or not enjoyable. If You Are Unsafe If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. A Word From Verywell Codependency can be a confusing concept, and recognizing it isn't always easy—especially within yourself. While codependency is toxic within any relationship, the good news is it can be managed and overcome. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or leave it behind, learning about codependency, being introspective, and, if needed, talking to a professional can help you learn more healthy ways to approach relationships. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Sign up for our Health Tip of the Day newsletter, and receive daily tips that will help you live your healthiest life. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit Article Sources Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Mental Health America. Co-dependency. The Recovery Village. Codependency. Updated September 29, 2020. Family First Intervention. Codependency & mental illness: Is there such a thing as a codependent personality disorder? Updated November 9, 2019. Family First Intervention. How to stop being codependent: Recognizing and healing codependent relationships. Updated July 19, 2019. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Am I codependent? Updated May 2019. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Twelve steps. Updated 2011. Addiction Rehab Toronto. Codependency: what is codependency and how to stop it?