Mental Health Personality Disorders 12 Signs You’re Dealing With a Covert Narcissist By Michelle Pugle Michelle Pugle Facebook LinkedIn Twitter Michelle Pugle is an expert health writer with nearly a decade of experience contributing accurate and accessible health information to authority publications. Learn about our editorial process Updated on November 26, 2022 Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD Steven Gans, MD, is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital. Learn about our Medical Expert Board Print Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Definition Signs of Covert Narcissism Overt vs. Covert Narcissism Causes Common Co-Occurring Conditions Covert Narcissism in Relationships Coping Frequently Asked Questions Traits of a covert narcissist are similar to those of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The main difference is covert narcissists don't demonstrate the same sense of superiority, arrogance, or entitlement. Instead, people with covert narcissism suffer from feelings of inadequacy, are often shy and withdrawn, and have a tendency to put themselves down. Though they are less obvious to spot than classic narcissists, covert narcissists can be frustrating to deal with and cause you to question your own mental health. This article discusses covert narcissist traits and how to handle someone who has them. It also explains the difference between covert and overt (apparent or obvious) narcissism and what to do if you suspect you are involved with a covert narcissist. Sebastian Kopp / EyeEm / Getty Images What Is Covert Narcissism? Covert narcissism is a lesser-known form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), according to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It is sometimes referred to as quiet narcissism or vulnerable narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which someone expresses an inflated sense of self-importance (grandiose self-perception), arrogance, and vanity, and lacks empathy and self-awareness. Although estimates vary, up to 5% of people have a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists have an excessive need for attention and use manipulation tactics to get it. They also tend to lack empathy. As a result, they have difficulties developing and maintaining relationships. People with covert narcissism share many of these traits. However, instead of acting self-important and better than others, covert narcissists are often shy and withdrawn. They tend to be thin-skinned, inhibited, and distressed. Covert narcissists are "hypersensitive to the evaluations of others while chronically envious and evaluating themselves in relation to others," according to research published in the American Journal of Psychiatry. They are "often shy, outwardly self-effacing, and hypersensitive to slights while harboring secret grandiosity." Covert narcissists seek attention and validation because they lack a stable sense of self, self-esteem, and healthy confidence. Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists may engage in manipulation, gaslighting, or other toxic behaviors to get their way and get the desired external reassurance (feedback that supports their positive self-image). What Is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a covert type of emotional abuse where the abuser misleads their victim, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. Signs of Covert Narcissism There isn’t a clear-cut test for narcissistic personality disorder. Diagnosis is based on common traits of the condition as outlined in the DSM-5. Common covert narcissist traits include: Highly sensitive to criticismShy or withdrawnPassive-aggressive behaviorsDifficulty developing and maintaining relationshipsExperiences depression or anxietyManipulates others and projects blame onto themA tendency to hold grudges Envious or jealous of othersFeelings of inadequacySelf-serving empathyA tendency to put themselves downGrandiose fantasies These can occur alongside classic narcissistic traits, but do not always. General signs of narcissism include: High level of self-importance or grandiosityFantasizing about being influential, famous, or importantExaggerating their abilities, talents, and accomplishmentsDesiring ongoing admiration, acknowledgment, and recognition Being preoccupied with beauty, love, power, or successAn exaggerated sense of being special, unique, or chosenBelieving the world owes them somethingExploiting or manipulating others to get what they want (no matter how it impacts others)Lacking empathy toward others What Is Maladaptive Daydreaming? Overt vs. Covert Narcissism The difference between these two types of narcissism is in the expressions of their feelings. The overt narcissist may be thought of as the extroverted narcissist or the one who outwardly and directly displays narcissistic behaviors. The covert is the introverted “closet narcissist” or the shy, hypersensitive, and socially isolated narcissist. Overt narcissists may go back and forth between types (overt to covert and back). People with overt narcissism can be loud and larger than life, the center of attention, fun and outgoing, generous, charismatic, charming, and not so subtle in their ways of manipulating people for their own purposes. Overt narcissists may name-call, bully, or use fear tactics to get their way. They may become outwardly aggressive. Unlike in people with overt narcissism, though, people with covert narcissism may mainly have more internalized symptoms, including depressive symptoms.It is not uncommon for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to fluctuate between periods of overt narcissism and covert narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder itself is clinically challenging to diagnose because people with narcissism don't typically see their traits as symptoms. People with NPD also may be highly functioning, which would mislead those around them from thinking they have a disorder. Also, keep in mind that symptoms of personality disorders exist on spectrums. This means no two people with covert narcissism will have the exact same symptoms, (i.e., NPD has high clinical variability in presentation and severity). Causes Exactly what causes narcissistic personality disorder is not fully understood. It is likely a combination of factors that influence mental health illness in general. These include: genetics (family history) early childhood trauma (verbal, physical, or sexual abuse) Early relationships with parents, friends, and relatives Research shows narcissism is more common among some personality types and an individual's innate temperament may be a factor in their susceptibility to developing narcissism. In addition, some studies suggest a childhood hypersensitivity to textures, noise, or light is common among people who develop covert narcissism. Common Co-Occurring Conditions Manifestations of covert narcissistic personality can overlap with certain other mental health illnesses. Common mental health illness diagnoses that can co-occur with covert narcissism include: Antisocial personality disorder Bipolar depression Borderline personality disorder Histrionic personality disorder Other personality disorders Substance use disorder These co-occurring mental health illnesses can make it particularly challenging for clinicians, let alone friends and family, to pinpoint where the problems are stemming from. For example, feelings of self-importance and an unrealistic sense of your abilities and capabilities are also signs of mania in bipolar disorder. The Link Between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Alcoholism Covert Narcissism in Relationships People with covert narcissism can come across as cold, callous, or uncaring. These are three challenging behaviors. Needing constant validation to manage self-esteem can be draining on both people in a relationship. Relationships, then, may be unstable and unhealthy for people with narcissistic personality disorder and the people in their lives. For the person with NPD, recognizing there is a problem in themselves is the first step towards recovering. If they can recognize the problem and they have the willingness to change, there is psychotherapy, including individual, couple, and group therapy. Types of Therapy The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that while narcissism is one of the more common terms associated with domestic violence or abuse, NPD is not a cause of or an excuse for abuse. Helpline If you or someone you love is a danger to themselves or others, please dial 911. If you fear the other person, you can reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233, which provides 24/7 access to service providers and shelters across the United States. How to Deal With a Narcissist Dealing with someone with narcissistic behaviors or narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging. Whether it’s a coworker, friend, spouse, parent, or child, narcissistic personality disorder may get in the way of having a healthy relationship. These are some ways to help develop a healthier relationship dynamic: Set clear boundaries: Since the person with NPD will typically have very loose boundaries, you may need to reinforce yours. Having healthy boundaries includes setting realistic limitations and expectations on relationship participation and activity. For example, you may decide for your own well-being that you need to put more space between you and this person. Avoid making excuses: If you’re emotionally close to the person with NPD, it can be difficult if you feel as though you need to defend their actions, and explain the positives in the other person. While mental illness is never a choice, it doesn’t excuse poor or harmful behavior. Please keep in mind this person’s behavior is not a reflection of you.Don't try to fix them: A person with a personality disorder isn’t broken, and you can’t fix them. Trying to change something you can’t is a recipe for disaster. Only the person with narcissistic behaviors is the person who can ultimately change.Seek some support: The closer you are to a narcissist, the more difficult it can be to see things as they really are. Surround yourself with healthy people and avoid isolating yourself from someone with narcissism. Having others around can help give you a different perspective when you’re being gaslit or manipulated.Learn more about personality disorders: The media tend to give us a narrow view of narcissism, but personality disorders are complex mental health illnesses. Learning about NPD can help raise awareness about what to watch for and can help you decide when to seek help or when it may be time to exit a relationship with a narcissist. What Are Personality Disorders? Summary Covert narcissism is a more subtle type of narcissism. A covert narcissist lives with the need for admiration and validation, an unstable sense of self and self-importance, and emotional fragility. Their expression of these needs and vulnerability is more introverted and passive-aggressive than the typical or overt narcissist. Being in a relationship when you have NPD or with someone with NPD can be particularly difficult, but not impossible. If both people want to work on changing, progress is possible. A Word From Verywell Covert narcissists may not be aware of their toxic behaviors or they may not know their behavior is stemming from a personality disorder. This isn’t an excuse for acting in hurtful ways, but it is something to keep in mind when dealing with a narcissist. If you are feeling overwhelmed, confused, or unsure about your relationship with a narcissist, please consider talking to someone for support. Choosing the Right Psychotherapist Frequently Asked Questions What are the four types of narcissism? Some clinicians divide narcissism into four types.Grandiose narcissism is a classic or overt narcissist who is vain, attention-seeking, and insecure.Malignant narcissism is the type who will stop at nothing to get what they want.Covert narcissism is quiet or vulnerable narcissism and is more subtle, marked by passive aggression and depression.Communal narcissism is when someone deals with their narcissistic vulnerabilities by wanting to be seen as the "most" helpful, supportive, or giving person. How do you overcome narcissism? The first step to overcoming narcissism is to recognize its signs and symptoms. Only a narcissist can overcome their insecurities and change their behaviors. This takes self-awareness, willingness to seek mental health treatment, and ongoing efforts to create lasting changes. 7 Sources Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Cleveland Clinic. Narcissistic personality disorder. Caligor E, Levy KN, Yeomans FE. Narcissistic personality disorder: diagnostic and clinical challenges. Am J Psychiatry. 2015;172(5):415–22. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723 Sweet PL. The sociology of gaslighting. Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843 Davies S. The subtle signs of covert narcissism. Caligor E, Levy KN, Yeomans FE. Narcissistic personality disorder: diagnostic and clinical challenges. AJP. 2015 Apr 30;172(5):415-422. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723 National Domestic Violence Hotline. Narcissism and abuse. Help Guide. Narcissistic personality disorder. By Michelle Pugle Michelle Pugle, BA, MA, is an expert health writer with nearly a decade of contributing accurate and accessible health news and information to authority websites and print magazines. Her work focuses on lifestyle management, chronic illness, and mental health. Michelle is the author of Ana, Mia & Me: A Memoir From an Anorexic Teen Mind. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Medical Expert Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? Other Helpful Report an Error Submit