What Is Polyamory?

Being in multiple romantic or sexual relationships at once

Polyamory is a practice or desire for more than one romantic or sexual partner, with the full knowledge and agreement of all the partners involved. It is also less commonly known as consensual non-monogamy, which distinguishes it from the practice of monogamy (having only one sexual or romantic partner) where one person engages in an additional sexual relationship without letting their existing partner know. According to a 2017 study, 4% to 5% of participants said they were polyamorous.

people in bed


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Meaning of Polyamory

“Poly” means “many,” and the Latin root “amor” means “love.” Some polyamorous people have a primary relationship and engage in casual sexual hookups, while others may begin secondary relationships with the consent of their primary partner. Partners in a polyamorous relationship usually agree on a set of conditions like date times and the type of intimacy allowed. Every partnership will have a different set of agreements and understandings. The most important aspect is consent.

Primary vs. Secondary Partners

"Primary" and "secondary" are words used by some polyamorous people to describe the level of importance and commitment of their different partners. A primary partner is the person is at the top of the polyamorous structure. People don't always live with their primary partner. A secondary partner or partners are someone who exist outside of your relationship with your primary partner. This may not be someone you live with, but you are emotionally committed to them. Relationships with a primary partner and secondary partner can be referred to as a primary relationship and secondary relationship, respectively.

It's important to note that some polyamorous people consider words like "primary" and "secondary" (even "tertiary) to be hierarchical and demeaning and not everyone uses them. Some polyamorous individuals may prefer to use the term "nesting partner" to describe a live-in partner who they share a high level of commitment with. A nesting partner is not necessarily a primary partner.

While all polyamorous partnerships differ, people who engage in polyamory believe that monogamy is confining and constrictive. Instead of following society's ideas of loving only one person, polyamorous people embrace loving multiple people at the same time. 

Polyamory is on the rise: A poll from 2020 found that millennials are less likely to want a monogamous relationship. Approximately 42% of millennials stated that non-monogamy is ideal for them, compared with 43% who said monogamy is their ideal relationship. This demonstrated that the number of people who prefer polyamory are rising and that Americans are becoming more accepting of the idea of non-monogamy.

History

Non-monogamy—an umbrella term for practices of having more than one romantic or sexual relationship—can be traced back to American religious sects that allowed plural marriage situations. John Humphrey Noyes founded the Oneida community in 1848, where each man was married to each woman in the group because each person in the community was meant to be treated equally.

In 1862, Frances Wright started Nashoba, which was a free-love community where Black people and white people were brought together to work and make love with one another. At the same time, Shakers, Quakers, and Mormons were rejecting monogamous marriage. Eventually, many of these small groups fizzled out, but several remained popular and spread to other parts of the world.

By the 20th century, sexual freedom was ignited alongside the LGBTQ community and the feminist movement. The free love movement included the evolution of polyamory as well as group sex.

The invention of the internet created a more open environment for polyamory. News, information, and data were available to people who had never heard of the term before, allowing this practice to make its way into mainstream media and the general public.

Polyamory Is Not the Same as Polygamy

Polygamy refers to being married to multiple people at the same time, and specifically involves marriage. Polyamory may be practiced by people who married or people who are not. People engaging in a polyamorous relationship does not necessarily have to marry their secondary partner either.

Polyamory is sometimes also confused with the swinging lifestyle, where people have casual sex with other couples. These types of lifestyles fall under the non-monogamous lifestyle umbrella, but are not the same as polyamory.

How Does Polyamory Work?

Polyamorous relationships may all look different, but they all require more honest communication and trust than a monogamous relationship. 

Some people may want their partner to come home to their bed every evening, while others are okay with spending a week apart. Others may want to know (and possibly even date) their partner’s secondary partner, while others may not want to know any details. Often the biggest challenge for polyamorous people is to find a partner who will honor the same ground rules in the relationship.

Establishing boundaries is key in polyamory. People who are interested in polyamory should ask themselves the following questions:

  • How often can you or your primary spend time with your secondary partners?
  • Are you interested in knowing your primary partner’s secondary partner?
  • What will your schedules look like? Holidays? Birthdays? What will these events look like now that other partners are involved?
  • Do you want to be open with your friends and family about polyamory?
  • What are some things that are not okay in a polyamorous partnership?
  • What type of safe sex are you and your partners practicing?

Expressing feelings and needs is essential to maintaining a polyamorous relationship. Some people who are in a monogamous relationship can successfully transition their partnership to polyamory, but it all comes down to whether their interest in this arrangement is sincere and their partner is open to change. This process will require small steps, constant communication with their partner, and the willingness to admit when the relationship is not working out.

Stigma

There is a misconception that people in polyamorous relationships are promiscuous or can’t commit to a partnership, leading to stigmatization of polyamory.

People who come out to friends, family, or coworkers as polyamorous face stigmatization due to their loved ones' misunderstanding of the term. Also, monogamy is more accepted in society. People who practice monogamy find their type of relationship superior to folks who practice polyamory.

The stigma is often rooted in judgment and confusion. Because polyamory still flies under the radar of relationship practices, the public just doesn’t know enough about it. What’s different is often misunderstood and criticized.

What Is an Open Relationship?

This type of relationship is primarily sexual. An open relationship may have a set of rules or guidelines similar to those in polyamory. Trust, consensuality, and sexual freedom make up an open relationship. An open relationship is often confused with polyamory, and some people may use the terms interchangeably. Polyamory, which is often driven by love and emotional connection, and an open relationship are not the same thing, even though they are both lifestyles that fit under the non-monogamous umbrella.

A Word From Verywell

Everyone expresses love in different ways. Polyamory is a lifestyle choice that rejects the idea that human beings are meant to have one partner for their entire life. It can be a wonderful exploration of love, commitment, and trust, and can be explored later on in a relationship as long as both people agree. It may not suit everyone, but it is an option.

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Article Sources
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