Struggling With the Safe Sex Talk? Try One of These Scripts

How to Talk About Safe Sex With a New Partner

couple kissing
bykovski/iStockphoto

Before you start having sex with a new partner, there are so many things to talk about, including:

  • Sex safety
  • STD testing
  • Condom use (even for oral sex, too)

And there's even more! It can be difficult to figure out how to start this conversation, though. Here is one way this talk could go...

A Sample Sex Talk Script

Picture a couple kissing each other passionately. One partner breaks away:

Partner A: "Before we go any farther we should talk about safe sex."

Partner B: "Do we have to?"

Partner A: "We don't have to have the talk tonight, but we do have to have it before we go much farther than kissing... something that I definitely want to do."

Partner B: "Okay. Let's have it now then."

Partner A: "The last time I was screened for sexually transmitted diseases was about four months ago. At that time I was negative for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, and herpes. I have had one sexual partner since then and he had also recently tested negative for all of those things. Right now I'm not sleeping with anyone else.

Partner B: "Okay..."

Partner A: "When was your last test?"

Partner B: "Um, I don't know. It's been a couple of years. I'm not sleeping with anyone else at the moment either."

Partner A: "Well then, before we actually have sex, I'd really appreciate it if you could update your tests. It's probably covered by your insurance, but if not, you can get tested for a very low cost at Planned Parenthood or the local STD clinic."

PartnerB: "That seems fair."

Partner A: "I also want to mention upfront that I believe in using condoms for intercourse, but I also always use condoms or other barriers for oral sex, too."

Partner B: "Really? Why?"

Partner A: "Lots of STDs can be spread by oral sex. It seems better to be safe than to be sorry."

Partner B: "I've never done that before. Doesn't that take away a lot of the fun?"

Partner A: "Not that I've noticed. For me, at least, it simply makes it something I can be even more enthusiastic about because I'm not worried about safety. Let me show you."

They start kissing again in earnest.

Partner A: "I'll show you later, after you've been tested. Then we can practice."

Partner B: "I've heard it makes perfect."

Partner A: "Even if it doesn't, I'll bring the condoms."

Partner B: "I can't wait."

Partner A: "You don't have to go anywhere yet, doesn't mean we have to stop fooling around now."

Partner B: "I knew I liked you for a reason."

An Alternative Sample Script for the Pre-Sex Talk

A couple is talking at a bar. Their knees are touching.

Partner A: "I want you to come home with me tonight."

Partner B: "I'd like that. I am very interested in ending up in your bed."

Partner A: "That's exactly what I was hoping for. What are your feelings on safe sex?"

Partner B: "I'm so glad you asked. I like to use barriers for both intercourse and oral sex. Is that alright with you?"

Partner A: "I can work with that. I've been thinking about getting my mouth on you for the last hour."

Partner B: "Last time I was tested for STDs nothing came back positive, but I've had a couple of partners since then. I practiced safe sex consistently, but...."

Partner A: "To be honest, it's been a pretty long time since I've been tested. I've been pretty good about safe sex for intercourse but I don't normally bother for oral."

Partner B: "Hmm. If we practice safe sex I think I'm up for that risk."

Partner A: "Excellent. I'll get the check if you get a cab."

Partner B: "It's a plan."

A Word from Verywell

There's no right way to have the safe sex talk. There's no set of correct answers or questions. What's important is that both people know what they care about. In the end, most people will probably be happier sleeping with others who have similar ideas about safe sex and risk tolerance. Sometimes the safe sex talk leads to a night of fun and passion. Other times, the best result from asking a partner to share your bed bed is for both of you to decide to go home alone.

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